my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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