Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
