does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
