his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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