I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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