Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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