you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
