i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
