why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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