So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
