Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
