Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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