I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
