Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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