There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
