I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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