the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
