Barsexuality is the new black.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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