I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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