No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
