Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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