It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
