I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
