i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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