He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
