the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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