Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
