i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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