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if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
