I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
