I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
