those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
