Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
