By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You are a genius and a whore.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
