I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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