Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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