I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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