Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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