You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
