thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
