shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
