why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
