I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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