I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
