you told grandpa to call you daddy
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
