Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
