Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
