If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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