I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
