is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
