Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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