when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am midnight drunk by noon
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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