They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
