Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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