I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
