my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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