smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
