Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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