hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
