I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
