He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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