I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
