Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Your cock deserves a montage
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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