I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
