She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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