Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wish there were birth control emojis
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
