I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
